Losing My Virginity at 19

Writing this post made my heart skip a beat or two, and if you are reading this post, this is to let you know that I finally decided to let the cat out of the bag because why not, I hope anybody reading this post learns a thing or two from this.

Now to all the tea, make sure you grab a cup because this tea would be served hot and spicy.

How it started

2019 was that year I always wish I could erase from my life, I was clinically depressed all year long, emotional breakdowns became normal to me and suicidal thoughts keep hovering over my head, I mean I felt I was not going to amount to anything so why did I need to stay alive, I knew God hated me which is why I had to stop pleasing God. Only if I knew that all these were the lies the devil had cooked for me and served hot and spicy for me to eat.

Now why did I decide to have sex?

I told myself right from a young age I was going to wait till I got married to indulge in ‘coitus’ but life had its way of twisting things against me, I was insecure, I dealt with self-hate and I always thought I needed a man to validate me. Luckily and unluckily for me I was always in and out of relationships changing men like I was changing clothes. Now with my third boyfriend in the space of four years, the conversations around sex began, my standards had reduce to the barest minimal because I was so sure that I was going to end up with him, LOL, if only I knew better.

I want the real gist, how did it happen?

Fun fact, our sex was planned out between both of us. We had picked a date, paid for a hotel room and discussed how the process would be, Mr Ex understood consent to every single point. We had all the conversations surrounding consent and the things we were comfortable with. Being a church girl, I knew I was not ready for it, and the night before, I had watched numerous videos of teenage girls who had lost their v-cards, of courses all advised not to indulge in it except when ready, but my coconut head decided not to heed to anyone’s advice.

Knowing it was a sin because my pastor said it was but I had no concrete reason to stop made me do it, I kept telling myself I was going to marry Mr Ex, I mean of what use was it waiting when he would be the only person anyways, dumb young me. I devised a plan in my head, I said if penetration was going to be painful especially as a result of what I had heard about the first time being painful, I would stop him and scream because I knew he was going to stop, hmm, little did I know.

On the D day (no pun intended), I knew my cycle already and I knew it was not my fertile window, we agreed not to use protection and he agreed to pull out, weird stuff going on here I know. The act started off with all the gymnastics of kissing plus the spicy romance, then it was time for penetration and something weird happened, I did not feel any excruciating pain at all, all I experienced was slight discomfort, my escape plan was pain and pain did not show up. ‘Heiiiiiii my body has betrayed me oh’ was all I kept saying to myself. ‘Okay stop’ and ‘you can continue’ was the instruction I kept giving Mr Ex till I finally gave in and I must add I enjoyed it. No pain like I had heard (of course I had proper sex education prior to this and I was sufficiently lubricated), no tears like I assumed, no pool of blood like I had imagined, I could even walk on top, this was when I realized I just played myself.

My experience would not be similar with everyone’s experience, maybe the devil knew my scheme and decided my body would respond well to the first time, but my first time was everything far from traumatic, if anything it was pleasurable for me.

After Fornicating what happened?                             

Mr Ex Pulled out like he promised but he pulled out around my Vee area and I knew people could still get pregnant that way, yes it was not my fertile window but never safe than sorry. Mr Ex turned to me after I was getting all dressed, ‘Babe I think you should get the morning after pill just to be safe’ and me ‘Mogbe, this is not what we agreed on now Mr Ex, I heard morning after pill is not good for the body’ was all I could say but the thought of Gladys having a baby at 19 was sufficient reason why I had to get one. Sadly I dashed out and got the pill in a pharmacy feeling so ashamed of myself.

Once I got home, the shame and guilt that clouded my heart made me feel so ashamed and depressed and truly that was the beginning of depression for me, I ran away from God because there was no point to me. Sexual sin never comes alone, it comes with other members. Now, not only was I fornicating but I was always lying, being sneaky to see my boyfriend, I spent money on contraceptives and pregnancy test kit a lot because I was actively trying not to get pregnant, I was always watching pornography and masturbating, my hormones got messed up from contraceptives and I got clinically depressed because this cycle was not worth it. Mr Ex and I then again began to have issues, we would argue, and this relationship which was my source of security made me feel so insecure.

Also, my relationship with God died, I began to struggle a lot, I had constant sleep paralysis, I was always eating in my dream, I had nightmares every single night, plus praying became an extreme chore for me, the devil was dealing with me on a steady.

Till one faithful day, I found Jesus and I realized how much love God had for me, so all this while God was not even angry with me yet I wanted to kill myself. I got delivered and whole that very day and accepting the life of Christ was the only deliverance I needed.

Fornication is never worth it. Right now I am single and living my baby girl life in Christ and I am loving every bit of it.

Do I regret fornicating?

Yes yes yes and yes, if I could go back in time I would have raised a higher standard for myself but since I cannot change anything,  I have no regrets because I am in Christ and I can share this testimony till today.

Gladys is a brand new girl in Christ.

Fornication is never worth it, sex is worth the wait.O

kay